Sadyah

I watched "300" last night at SM City-Davao. The narrative is compressed that the war scenes are but subtle and moving. The dialogues are witty and the visuals are simply spectacular - the love-making.

This movie reminded me of my students. Of me being a lit teacher.

In my laptop, I’ve watched the following this week, everyday after lunch. During and in between, some memories and epiphanies arrived:

My Left Foot. I was ecstatic when I saw a copy in the shelf. I remember reading a review of this film in the last page of a Catholic magazine we used to subscribe in high school. Youngster? ! I am happy to encounter this film, at last. Just like Antonia’s Line that I found in the DLSU’s IMS after reading a review in Danton Remoto’s book in college, the discovery sort of strengthen my intuitive self. Seems like things that my mind and heart really do search will surely find its way to me. Sooner or later. Somewhere in time.

Anyway, this film stars Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown, a spastic quadriplegic born to a large, poor Irish family. Using his left foot, he became a successful painter and writer.

I love this line: "Fuck all love that is not 100% commitment." And this film gave me this line: You are digging a grave between us.

Open Your Eyes (Abre Los Ojos). I missed this in Instituto’s film showings that I was also exhilarated. This has Eduardo Noriega and Penelope Cruz. A futuristic and romantic psychological thriller.

Passion of Mind. It’s Demi Moore. She is living two lives: as Marty,a high-powered New York literary agent, and Marie, a single mom raising two kids in a lyrical setting in a French countryside. That’s the problem: which one is real, which one is a dream?

I was caught by this line, said by William, his writer-lover as Marie: "I decided I want you to like me."  

I’m thinking of welcoming a roommate in my one-bedroom place in Cityland, Vito Cruz. Aside from my kindness, brilliance (!) and friendship, what more can you get? I have an aircondition, of course. I have a new ref and a coffee maker. If you want to cook, I have a new electric stove as well and the primary kitchenwares (I prepare relatively healthy meals).

I have an unlimited internet connection. You will be free to check your email and update your Friendster. If - and only if - I’m not using my laptop (considering you don’t have your own).

I would enjoy someone who has the following primary qualifications:

• Sensibility. Not necessarily an A student. But someone who has an intellectual maturity and sophistication. In short, can engage  me in a stimulating conversation. Or simply someone whom I can have a decent talk - which does not really mean a serious talk on grand issues like global warming, etc.

      Preferably a bar taker this September. So I’ll be on my own again after that. It so happen that I have many expenses right now, you know, so this sacrifice on privacy thing.

• Can afford to pay the rent. The unit costs 10500, exclusive of association dues, water and electric bills. I am (only)charging 4000 pesos a month.
• Trustworthy. In short, someone with good moral character which does not mean virginal or religious. But someone who will not steal my things, or murder me, whatever that would be tragic. In short, i hate a liar and I’m not impressed with a bitch.
• Clean and organize. Not necessarily OC but you know, I really hate the sight of a dirty CR  or bed or kitchen sink. At least someone who knows how to pick up her dirt. Because it’s already noisy and chaotic outside. I want my peace and order after a hard day’s work.

Of course, you must be a female. I would welcome a certified gay, though. Preferably 18-30 years old.

If you are interested, or if you know someone, kindly send me a message.

We left Davao way past 10 in the morning of Black Friday. So I can experience Saranggani and General Santos.

These I will remember:

The caravan of bougainvillea and trees along Saranggani road. The imposing capitol. The beauty and cleanliness of its seashores and beaches.

Gumasa and its white sands. It is actualy dubbed as the little Boracay (photos to follow).

Stargazing and conversations with Maya.

Ariel and his work.

Cocoy and his songs and stories and photos.

Tatay and his two kids.

The tent. The food. The ride.

We stopped at General Santos on the afternoon of Black Saturday. Gen San is clean and the infrastractures are good enough to meet my needs that I told Maya I could live there.

I ordered a mug of coffee at MacGregor’s. Highlander, their signature flavor of espresso enticed with vanilla.

Jesus Christ has risen and I found myself growing scales on Easter morning at Maya’s fishcage. Fresh, big talakitok.

Few hours after we arrived in Davao, I and Norma took a taxi to Kublai’s place, known as Ponce Suites. I’ve been here the first time I came in 2001. Also with Norma.

Look, that’s one of Kublai’s sculptures that will greet you at the entrance. I was a goddess that afternoon inspired by interesting people, the veggie pizza, and Kublai’s works and visions.

April brings me to Davao City. A wonderful family is hosting me. A writing residency for my dissertation. For free.

Got to know them way back in Antique. I feel so blessed for having them as friends through the years.

Kindred spirits. We always have a fluid, spirited conversations about ourselves, people we know, shared memories, dreams, visions, lamentations, books, news, movies, food - everything conceivable.

I’m staying in the 3rd floor of their beautiful, spacious, and airy house. Going here, I have to pass by a dramatic, circular winding stairs. Downstairs, I have the guest’s restroom. I can choose to watch tv anytime, read their books, and eat what’s in the ref. B, their household staff, is a great cook. Nice, pretty girl.

I stationed my laptop in a corner. Lights are coming in.I can see fruit trees all over the screen windows. There’s a conference of birds all day long. Today, a waltz is playing from a neighbor’s ponograph.

And what have I done so far? I’m finding my way through a new story. Hoping I can finish it for Palanca. Or just finish it because it must be so. I am already seeing the ending but going there is a struggle because I want it to be witty and philosophical as the main characters deal with moral dilemnas.

It was first inspired by Haruki Murakami’s "The Second Bakery Attack." I abandoned it late last year until I read a news article in The Asian Wall Street Journal where a group of men clad in customes of superheroes entered a gourmet cafe in Germany. They were in protest against globalization and unemployment.

Recently, there was Ducat and the hostage drama of school children.

Writing this story is mentally draining. I am tempted to just lie down and read and eat and fantazise while staring at the vast Davao sky in the company of birds.

But I must drag myself so I can go back to my novel in the coming days. Because I’m in a paradise that I must maximize this opportunity to weep in the four corners of the wall, as Lorca said. Because people expect me to complete it: my department and university, my family, my host, my friends, and R who said yesterday that he wants me to work without distraction. So is D who is again texting and will always be a fan.

Nasadyahan ako para kana. Kay nakaagto tana it sambulan sa Penang, Malaysia para sa teacher’s training sa Math sa RECSAM. Man-an ko nga duro nga bag-o nga paminsaron kag baratyagon ang matugro kang anang eksperyensya rugto. Mayad kay sadya kag nami gid anang inagyan. Bisan pa duro man dya it kasubo nga natugro tungod sa kinalain kang Pilipinas kag Malaysia.

Te, kalimpyo gid kuno kang Penang. Kag wara it mga tambay parehas rugya kanaton nga mabungguan mo sa karsda. Pay nakulbaan tana kang paspas nga pag-drive rugto. Nagdaralhit anang atay. Mayad man kay mayad gid anang ekperyensya man sa mga patas nga Pinyo rugto. Gin-abi-abi gid sanda it mayad.

Istoya na, aguy, tuod gid ang racial discrimination. To think nga Southeast Asia pa lang dya, ha. Economic gid ang basehan. Na-shock tana nga patas kang Indonesian, Vietnamese, Cambodian, gina-look down ang mga Pinoy bilang either sex worker kag domestic helper.

Pero syempre sa training, bongga gid tanda nga Pinoy. Ilabi si Nene. Nangin leader tana ka andang grupo. Kag sagad tana sanda mag-Ingles kag dasig makatuon. Subo lang garing gid man nga kaimol gid kang Pinas bisan pa sagad kita mag-Ingles kag duro aton natural resources.

Na-observe na man nga wanhaw bukon tana sagad mag-Ingles ang Thai ukon Malay halimbawa pay mas economicaaly advanced tana sanda kag bongga ang suporta kang gobyerno.

Man-an ko duro pa ang maagum nga grasya ni Nene kay aram tana, gwapa, buot, kag supog. Duro pa ang mayad nga mahimo na para sa andang eskwelahan kag sa komunidad.Proud ako bilang bugto na.

Prudence, which means I have to process first the dilemna of the experience before opening my mouth. Got into a heated conversation with R last Thursday after I returned from Antique. Why do I have this anxiety? Ligalig more than pangamba.This restlesness for the eventual loss overpowered the longing, the desire I had for him.

If trust means feeling secure with someone, does it mean I do not trust him? Or was he right when he said I am worrying too much and I have to stay calm? Why are women like this - sweating out for little details? Isn’t it I have my own interesting life? I should rejoice because I have freedom. Why do I have this intensity to be possessed, to be owned, to be ravaged?

Expressiveness and Meditative Intensity. Because I am an artist? A thinker? Because artists are masochists by nature? Tragedy, said Allan in his craft lecture last Saturday, March 31. "Di Pagtahan sa Pananahan." This anxiety, this ambivalence, this struggle is needed to be able to desire and create. Struggling towards discovery. Of the Self, of Others, of the World. Do not expect, he said, so you will be surprised. O huwag mag-astang alam na ang lahat para magulantang pa rin paminsan-minsan.

Attention and Focus, which mean, getting back to work. Divert and convert your expressiveness in art. Note the August deadline. Tame momentum. Focus; don’t wait for inspiration.

Davao welcomes me. Be shameful - work, work, work: exert discipline.Experience, experience, experience: meet and talk to more interesting people and brilliant and happy people. Go to Saranggani! Go tubing! Eat durian!

List down realistic short-term and long-term plans.

• Career: Finish Ph.D.; be a more inspiring and productive prof; produce more creative works.
• Family: The house, the farm (talk with D on May, camping and stargazing with siblings, the bamboo design)
• Personal: Stay fit and lovely - exercise and meditate; cook and be more frugal (leave credit card at home); stay away from expensive shops; pray; travel.
• Lovelife: always try to love unconditionally; affirm - go for December!
• Finances: Increase by: 1)saving, 2) seek for extra compensatory assignments.

Help me God help myself. Amen.