Sadyah

March 23, Manila to Iloilo. I and Badet met Lyra for lunch at SM City and waited for Jenny. Off we went to Roxas via a shuttle van that took 2 hours to depart. Waiting for our ride in front of Jollibee to Amy’s place, we got to see the city. It’s cleaner compare to our San Jose. Larger and better infrastracture. 

We were happy to see each other again. We were happy for the stories told and listened to (lovelife, ano fah). We were happy to eat shrimps and crabs (mabalik kami ‘to). We were happy to be there for Amy and Melvin (not your conventional bride). We were happy to be bridesmaid (nami gid bayu e) and for the ample photo sessions (gwapa gid e).

We were happy to be in a spacious hotel room . We were happy to swim after a long day. We were happy to be back in Iloilo and to our respective family safe and ever beautiful. 

Finished at home Anita Rau Badami’s Tamarind Woman, a novel.Love this passage, the last words of Saroja, the mother: "No way, honeybun! I do not belong to anyone now. I have cut loose and love only from a distance. My daughters can fulfill their own destinies. In days of yore, aged parents left their wordly lives to retreat into the forest, where they shrugged off the manacles that bound them to their responsibilities and duties, and spent the days contemplating their histories. They shuffled their memories, like a pack of cards, smiled at the joyous ones, shed a tear or two at others. They shook their heads over youthful follies and thought quietly about the journey, yet unknown, that stretched before their callused feet. I too have reached that stage in my life where I only turn the pages of a book already written, I do not write" (266).

For the safe Cebu Pacific flight to Iloilo. I conquered my fear after that near-death experience in December 3 years ago.

For the rainbow. I felt like a child again.

For the clouds. It made me think of eternity.

For the happy, calm thoughts.

For my college friends. It feels great to be reconnected. Jenny is excited. Lyra texted. This will be our first time in Roxas.

For the sunshine. I love Iloilo. There’s an excitement in the thought that I can introduce it to R, next time, soon.

For a cup of hot chocolate in Jollibee while waiting for Badet. People-watching is an enjoyable hobby.

Getting Back MY Life.

No more restlessness. Only bills to pay.Huhuhu.

He kept his promise. I will keep mine, too. First and foremost, for myself. Karma is true, is real.

Time to shop: The Tribe for that leather bag, BodyShop for J. and the girls, and Rustan’s for Amy’s wedding.How about the graduates? SM Iloilo can take care of it.

Whaaat? No more Cebu Pacific promo? Oh, it’s the lenten season. Ok, time to take Air Phil again. Sayang ang miles.

Watch "Bitter Moon." A Roman Polanski film. Hugh Grant there.Love it.

At the end of the day:

Freedom = respect each other’s space.

Trust=feel safe; endure.

Faith=keep believing.

Present Goal: Save for the Oz trip.

Lest I forget that this whole thing happened, let me note:

Feb.20. The Arrival. Intuition proved right while walking along Vito Cruz till Ortigas for the Emperador meeting. Followed HK International Airport’s bulletin. Too bad for NAIA. It was Terminal 1. First time there. Kept my cool and there it was. It happened!

Some event really do happen the way it is imagined and felt.

Days from now, these I will remember - and forget:

Hot bath and fried eggs. Kung kelan di na ako kumakain ng itlog. Hmm, mas masarap nga ang pakiramdam.

Coke and rhum. I love this. Masubukan nga on my own.

Blue bedsheets and pillows and 3 brown towels. Not my type but then, proved useful na rin.Salamat.

Black Tea (Starbuck’s English Breakfast).Just a dip.Pagkatapos kaagad at palagi ko tinatapon. Hehe.

Ginger tea.Not the one in bottle or sachet (is there?). The real ginger from supermarket na kinikilo that I made balat and talop and babad in hot water.It’s Dr. D’s recommendation for food poisoning. It worked. Love it actually. Hmm, eto na pala gawin ko.

Pizza. It’s the Greenwich! And no luck for my vegetarian slice.

Chocolate and cake. Note: Blackforest. Akala ko ba no sugar?! Keyword: Comfort food.

Hamburger, fries, sundae, and Coca Cola Light! "One thing about McDonalds is that it tastes good." "I know it’s not healthy." "Damn!" (Palagi nagkakamali CSR sa drinks).

DVDs. Mas ok pala sa Muslim area. Dapat pala hapon. Graveh…as in talaga. Mula Divisoria at Quiapo hanggang Harrison. Dapat bili rin ako ng dvds ng mga concert ng mga fave singers ko. Go for collection. Got Stanley Kubrick’s collection. Di ko na pala talaga kelangan ng tv, ng cable tv. Mabibili ko na pala lahat ng tv series. Nag-enjoy ako ng "Law and Order." Crush ko na tuloy si Chris Noth. Sa wakas, napanood ko ang "Sex & The City." Feeling ko ako talaga si Carrie (note the "Parker’). Hehe. 80%. 10 % Miranda at 10% Charlotte. Nakakaloka ang "Heroes."

Baywalk.May nahuhuli kaya ang mga mamang nangingisda? It stinks. It’s Cafe Adriatico. Ba’t kaya di ako masyadong hilig sa pagpapa-picture?Ba’t kaya di ko naramdaman ang energy,ang impulse, ang necessity to capture those moments? Puwede naman i-request and waiter. Ewan…parang di kelangan.

Jeepney, Bus, at LRT. Oo nga ano, ba’t di nag-LRT? Gustong makita ang view mula sa dyip. Bloody drivers.Sore ass sa bus rides. Hate it.

Lechon, pork, and more pork a.k.a. food poisoning.Nakakatakot ang mga mata ng isda. It stinks. Hindi fresh. Yucky ang tuyo, ang bagoong, ang hipon, ang pusit. Lalo ang dinuguan. "Can’t believe you" (dinuguan from Goldilocks).

Angeles City.The city of fallen angels.German food. Rows of clubs. Ba’t ang papangit? Mostly from Samar and Mindanao.Dirty old men. Lonely men.

L & J. I see him as someone with a good heart.Lonely din at insecure kaya sige lang? Mukha ngang ganuon. Isusulat ko itong si L. It must be her name, that’s why there is something in her? Something in her? Pagiging bitchy niya? Defense mechanism as i see it. I just hate it that they can’t stop talking about her. Found myself mouthing D’s words to me.Isusulat ko siya. Magiging isa kang kuwento. Tayong apat.

Laundry. This is not all about signs.Clearly, negligence ito at unprofessionalism. Whooooa, nawala, winala ng laundry shop sa groundfloor ng condo ang 2500+ worth kong British India na blouse!!! Wala man lang sorry! wala man lang ginawa ang management. Kaya ako na lang naglaba. Mabilis pang matuyo!

Nasugbu, Batangas.Disaster.Ang pangit, huwag kayo pumunta dun. Malayo pa saka nakakabuwisit ang customer service. Sunod ng sunod ang mama. Maganda pa ang beach resort sa Antique, walang katao-tao pagkatapos 2500 ang room for a night?! Putcha, di ko alam na tatawirin pa pala ng bangka ang white sands na sinasabi nila where Maya-Maya Beach Club is. Disaster talaga. It was an opportunity on conflict management and we did well. But then, kainis talaga.

Dogs barking.Bawal ang pets, di vah?!Kainis, ang aga-aga.Gusto kong batuhin. I’m sure, di ako mapagkamalan. Nai-imagine ko ang may-ari - bothered din kaya siya? Sinumbong ko nga pero andyan pa rin. Omigod, hindi lang pala isa - 3, at nagkakahulan sila!

Texting. y wil i txt u wen am talkng 2 u? ur fone s ur fone. i stop caring whoevr u r txting.

MoneyChanger.Ito talaga ang nakakasumpa.30 thou ang nadali. 38 ang palitan pero sa kanila 40, ‘yun pala manloloko. Paano nila ginawa ‘yon? Ah, kasi 500 ang binibigay pero ang bilang 1000. Ang bilis saka kinakausap ka pa. Greedy din kasi, ayaw maniwala na once it’s too good to be true, doubt. Kesyo marunong naman magbilang. Nakakahiya ang Pinoy! Tsk-tsk.

March 21.Departure. Dealed with HSBC and Sarabia Optical. Fetched J in the domestic airport and brought him for an hour of drinks and chat. Then the departure…no drama. Sinalubong kita, dapat ihatid din.But then, what the heck. Hindi ito art film, maging feel-good movie.Be practical. Gabi na at gasto pa sa taxi. Masikip na, actually. Watch na lang ng dvd, uminom ng coke at rhum, at kumain ng chocolate.

Called R. Inner voice said I have to believe he is a man whom I can continuously trust and respect. Went out for Starbucks. Left my phone to be able to concentrate in LJ’s thesis. Then inner voice whispered, "Frankly dear, I don’t give a damn." Was it Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind?

Felt good. Yeah, when thoughts get consuming and too directed to R, I just have to go downtown. A vision appeared: 2 years from now, a prep school. Have to talk it out with the girls soon at home.

My profession is who I am. I can do more. I come to understand Identity better. Though never been there, I can feel in my bones the restlessness and the loneliness of a woman who had given up her career to relocate - for a better life in his hubby’s country -only to find herself being measured and scrutinized by antagonistic eyes in her new environment. And one day, she will discover that she no longer likes herself for marriage has turned her into a "Yes, dear" kind of person.

But if others can, why can’t I? I’m up for great challenges, right? But why is Ruffa Gutierrez and her two angels are frequently in town?

Reconnect to fabulous friends. Send e-cards.Email. Text.

Don’t give up. But then, again, don’t think too much of him. But this is how I love - wholeheartedly. Yes, girl, but not to the point of losing your identity and being unproductive. It must be inspiring, right? Stop romaticizing, okay! Come on, you’re a big girl.

And don’t make a big decision. Not yet. Let your family and friends hold you for a while.

Okay, with that, guess D can actually be a bestfriend.

Oh, he called. What a coincidence, what an answer. But his "one more time" is coated with an undesirable motive. Don’t pity him. Take care of yourself, girl. You’ve done more than enough for him. Let him take care of his own business. The possibility of a great friendship is buried right away. Going, going, gone. Past, past tense.

Time to summon all positive energies for the coming days with R. How about a calesa ride and a dinner at Bistro Remedios complete with a serenade?

Have to preview that DVD and wrapped it with the card. Guess what it says there is perfect.

it’s been 5 days since R went with J to Butuan-Surigao to look for "a perfect land" for their dream business. actually, it’s a fishpond they are looking for. milkfish, bangus fishpond.

he’s complaining of the long bus rides. nightmare, he texted. and no perfect land yet. and he remains hopeful.

i wanted to tell him that the perfect land is actually in iloilo. that it must be iloilo because i can now imagine myself going back there after my ph.d. because there is an international airport and the whole island has actually 4 airports aside from that (antique, caticlan, kalibo, roxas) and of course, there is guimaras. that there are best schools there and it’s just 45 mins.away from manila. and who needs manila years from now? that i imagine myself having a beautiful house with a garden somewhere outside iloilo. i’ll be teaching and writing and be the best wife and mom while he is into his bangus business with J.

i wanted to shout "i don’t want to live in surigaooooo" but then, hey, stop being a drama queen. it’s toooooo early. i hate myself for beeing needy and clingy. i should not be feeling this way.

why not invite him and j to iloilo next time? they are there because it’s the only area, after all, that j has been to. pray, pray, pray, there is no "perfect place" that they can find in surigao. but then, why not surigao? okay, google provided impressive info. i heard myself saying "i’m intelligent and hardworking - i can be successful anywhere. the most important thing is we are together." sheetz, it’s so mushy.

time to reflect, girl. time to be honest with yourself. do i really care enough? will i be happy with the kind of life he can offer?

or am i thinking too much? worrying about things that are not yet happening? i keep on saying to myself that i’ll stand by him and relationship is hard work but why do i seem to be giving up this early?

with or without him, i have an interesting and succesful life, right? i must keep living that life and stop whining, as he put it. i have a dissertation to finish and he has to earn, earn, earn. i just have to stay faithful and loving and sweet and understanding and ever supportive and lovely (all along hoping for his marriage proposal?!) and accept many truths about him like he is not a texter so i must not expect a barrage of text messages from morn to midnight. that he is a man of action and not the lovey-dovey type. that he is actually wonderful and handsome and a good man that i must affirm, affirm the good sides and forget about my hollywoodish illusions of of what a relationship should be.

i can’t wait for next week. i’ll meet up with my girlfriends for amy’s wedding in roxas city. i’m so excited to go home.i’m hopeful about the exciting and fullfiling experiences i’ll gonna have in davao and in bacolod in april.i’m excited to campaign for my father in may. and yes, to go back to my university to be a professor again.

as for now, i’ll endure the agony of longing to touch him again. soon.

I think Blood Diamond is brilliant. Enjoyed it with R. I find it moving and progressive (and I can’t really elaborate on this). Just go, watch it!

Babel, too.Got depressed though with that scene with Amelia and the children stuck in the desert in the border of Mexico and U.S.A. Hmm, nagpapaka-art film.Nagpapaka-postcolonial. Theory then is out there, huh.

And the DreamGirls? Beyonce Knowles is really hot. Black people are beautiful and very talented.I enjoyed the songs. I agree, however, that it does not deserve any acting award.

In the Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami is a psycho thriller novel that kept me up for 2 nights.

Right now, I am slowly reading an Australian novel, The Garden Book, by Brian Castro.

For the next few days, it will be Anita Rau Badami’s Tamarind Woman.